I Have No Performance Anxiety
I've never really had much trouble with public speaking. I'm a Leo. We love to be the center of attention. In high school, I used to do mock News broadcasts. I was pretty good at them. At one point, I did one at assembly. I didn't go all swimmy, I really rather enjoyed the whole school staring at me, hearing my voice, suddenly seeing something other than the car I drove (checker taxi, for those that just arrived) and the people I was friends with. I loved it, actually. Don't know why I gave up public-type speaking. Laziness, probably.
So, last week, I gave my presentation to the group I work with, DDB Digital. Not much of a problem. I rather enjoyed it, actually. I got heckled less than I thought I would, but it was my first time back in front of a large group since summer camp. I thought it went fairly well.
And then today, I had to get up in front of my Law and Economics class. The way this works is, each student takes an assigned topic, finds a law review article, and reports on it/fields questions about it.
My topic: Public Choice Theory (the theory that all of politics can be modeled using economic principles, more or less) It's a good theory, in fact. One I subscribe to. So does my professor. One could say he's an expert in the field, having lectured on it at Harvard and all.
So I picked possibly the stupidest article ever produced in the history of law reviews and I'm thinking to myself "Swerdloff, you're fucked. Nicked. You're gonna be embarassed in front of your class. You can't give your little schpiel about this, you understand what she said and not only is she right, but she's not saying anything.
So I had a panic attack around 2. Class was at 4, I'd present at 5. Great. I understood what was going on, I just didn't have much to say. "She, ummm, says that, you know, public choice theory, ummm, describes this pretty well." That would go over like a lead balloon. There are actually students that I respect in this class, unlike most of my law school. And I'm about to make a major fool of myself. I panic. I call my mommy.
My mother doesn't have a lot of advice for me. Nobody could in that scenario. What do you say to someone who is having a panic attack over an in-class presentation? The only thing I might've suggested in her shoes is that I should eat something, in case my trauma is low-blood-sugar or over-caffination. She reminded me that in the worst case scenario, I would be a miserable failure in this presentation and fail the class. She had a point there. It wasn't the end of the world. I started to feel better.
I went and banged on the professors door. I'm paying a lot for Law School, I should get some service, right? I walked in, told him my take on the article (Wow, what a dumb article I picked) and he agreed. We chatted about it for a bit. I think I made clear that I understood what was going on in the article while I was in his room. We chatted for 5 maybe 10 minutes. It was pleasant enough, except that I felt sort of hot-seated.
So class eventually starts. Because as death and taxes are, the turning of time is inevitable. I panic. I'm not ready. I'm an idiot. Why am I in Law School? The other presenter for the day goes first, giving me ample time to prepare again, reread the 50 page article and... wait what?
"Can I go Second, sir?"
"Ok, Mr. Swerdloff, you're up."
"Uh... ok... I'm sorry my piece was so dry everyone... but ..." and I was off and running for a full three minutes before being stopped. by the professor. Who then took over. Gave the rest of my presentation for me. I was going along just fine, and he took over. Instead of me rambling and lecturing, we had a dialogue, where he asked questions, I explained what he was asking, answered, asked him a question, and did this verbal ping pong for ten, fifteen more minutes.
Totally at ease. Giving the presentation wasn't the hard part. The hard part was having confidence in my ability to read, parse, understand and assimilate an article. When I got to the end of it and felt unenlightened I thought it was me. It wasn't. It was the article.
I need to speak in front of more audiences.
Tommorow: The last day at the old office of DDB Digital (we're moving) and I think some other interesting stuff, maybe...
In Other News:
Beautiful women everywhere I turn, three days in a row. I think God may be playing with me the way that children play with small animals. I'm God's new pet/toy.
It was Wednesday today. Hump day. Typical. Just like the last three difficult Wednesdays. Onion Day, Comics day, Dining In day, and my 9am-8pm day from hell.
Posted by Swerdloff at October 27, 1999 04:32 PM
