My fellow Americans.

Thank you for considering the Slutpublican ticket. We'd like to elucidate many topics of importance, and we will do so without our own Ari Fleischer or James Carville. There will not be a Ragin Cajun in our campaign, there will just be a few patriotic American citizens, with our own thoughts, formed in the crucible of the United States education system.

Our Presidential candidate symbolizes the traditional American family, at least on the surface. A married mother of two, she is the epitome of the American dream. The dream as seen through the very narrow lens of those that agree with that lifestyle. While she represents the majority of Americans, we are also an inclusive party, and we refuse to submit other American's lives to our dictates. That is why She and I support your right to choose what you do with yourself.

We believe that the missing Constitutional Amendment in the Bill of Rights would have enumerated a right, specifically reserved to the people, to the sanctity of their homes, and the privacy which that home enables every American to enjoy.

Which is why we're coming out today, strongly in favor of sodomy. Americans, the most free people in the world, must not be held captive to the morals, assumptions and dictates of others. Americans must be free to choose to do whatever they'd like to do, within the confines of their own homes.

With such rights come great responsibilities. This right does not abrogate any other person's right to privacy, and to do whatever they'd like to do in the sanctity of their homes. Nor does it give any one person the right to impinge on anyone elses rights to the security of their own person, whether or not they are in your home. This is a right to do whatever you like in your own home that does not directly harm any other person.

We believe in Americans, as a people. We believe that fundamentally, nobody is harmed by sodomy, and in fact, many people rather enjoy it and have a great deal of fun doing it. We support the right of all Americans to sodomize each other, consensually, in their own homes. We will work with state government and our own Justice Department to see to it that all Americans are free to sodomize each other, so long as both adult parties consent. We believe in the right to sodomize because it is bigger than just sodomy. It's a question of government intrusion.

We believe that the Government is only allowed to intrude into your private life to protect you from harm, not to protect you from yourself.

We don't know better than you do what is good for you, and we don't pretend to, either. We are nothing like an older brother, looking out for you. We are here to allow you to be the best you can be as a person, and to mitigate any harm that may befall anyone based on your actions. We believe that you know what is right for you, and we're not going to try to tell you what that is. So if you want to sodomize each other, we say: do it. Consensual relations between adults are per se acceptable under the Slutpublican ticket. We believe firmly that loving couples, of whichever races, genders, or religions, deserve our support. And that your privacy is paramount. For those reasons, vote Slutpublican, '04.