Aweful movies bring out the worst in me. Well, that's not true - excruciating pain brings out the worst in me, followed by depression, women that scare me, job interviews, betrayal coupled with a lie of ommission, and looking back over my life with regret... those things all bring out the worst in me.
Aweful movies make me think about myself, though.
Tonight's feature: "The Replacements" - your typical all star cast football team goes on strike and we replaced them with these losers comedy buddy movie. It's got the washed up quarterback, the samoan hitting guy (I don't know jack about football) the oddball kicker, the runningback who can't catch, and the thugs who are doing the hitting.
Watching Gene Hackman pass with Keanu Reeves makes me ask several questions which have come up a lot these last several days.
See, my dad's an orphan. Has been since he was younger than I am. His parents passed away long before I was born. And my mom, while she's not an orphan, her parents were never there for her. My parents overcompensated with me a little bit, and we ended up an incredibly tight knit family. Mind you, my dad and I never really passed around a football, it just wasn't our sport. And now, in the throes of stress, I started wondering how my parents are doing over in India. There's definitely an undercurrent of "oh my god what if..." going on here. I mean, i worry. Since the time that they left, I've been an enormous stressball. Maybe I'm a boy who misses his mommy, or maybe I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that I'm 25, and completely out of the womb - no family protections, no school nest, no law firm coddling me, nothing. It's just me vs. the world. When a criminal has this sorta issue, at least they get a lawyer. Here, I _am_ the lawyer.
I'm having a freakin' emotional rollercoaster here. I was crying a minute ago, and now I'm laughing hysterically. I promise you, it's not the movie per se. the acting is lousy, and the soundtrack isn't moving me. Maybe it's that the underdogs are getting a chance and winning, maybe it's pent up hostility towards reality, who knows.
Maybe it's about second chances. I don't get a do-over for law school, or for the application to law school, or for my grades in college or frankly, ever.
And now I just laughed at this movie harder than I've laughed at anything in months and months. I'm crying and laughing. My eyes are full of tears, i'm choked up and i'm laughing. i don't think i've had an emotional outburst other than fear for like a month now. fascinating. fear and loathing. ha.
I'm churning through an enormous amount of stuff here. Pent up emotions for how freakin long?
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory is forever.
Mind you, I was never that sort of athlete. As Keanu said, "hockey was always my sport."
The ringing continues unabated, and may do so forever. The intial panic, stress and anxiety have all passed.
I also realized that a huge amount of my stress is lack of outlet. Without an in-office job, without parents to talk to, and with my health not doing so well, and without friends around me, it's been... trying. I've spent a lot of time websurfing, instant messaging, and harassing poor Meghan, trying to deal with my anxieties. She was great, forced me out of my apartment to the Dinosaur exhibit at the museum of Natural History. And Biodiversity. And minerals. Man, I needed to get outdoors, and I need to do some socializing that doesn't involve a bar. Next on the agenda is figuring out how to get some sunshine.
After all of that, there's this open feeling in my chest, like something had been clogged there for days, and now I can breathe again. Weird. Like there was a blockage there that's now gone. I bet I sleep like a baby tonight.
So, tell me... what's the last thing that made you laugh?